I wrote this on March 5, 2007 when Julliane Lea died:
"I lost the love of my life today. I found Julianne's lifeless body this morning in her condo in Hudson. I had not heard from her since last Thursday. She did not call over the weekend. I am very busy on the weekends and she knows this but always calls. Monday morning I had a bad feeling. This was unlike any other feeling I had ever had. At first, I thought she had found a man in a bar and was with him. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
When I got there today after work, the condo was the same as I left it. The curtain and blinds had not been moved and the light in the hallway was still on. I was very alarmed. I found the maintenance man of the association and he had a master key for the door. It would only work for the door handle and not the dead lock bolt. I knew she was in trouble and kicked the patio door in and from the sliding glass door you could see her body lying on the living room floor thru a crack in the curtain. Why did I not do this Monday. If she was already dead, would that of made a difference? I called 911. It looked like she had fallen and hit her head on the end table near the sofa. The detectives later concluded as much.
I was hoping to write that I had found her today and she was OK. I did not think I was going to have to write her obituary.
Her life was not always happy. She grew up in Tampa and went to King High School. She was extremely bright with a high IQ. She went on to Colombia in New York where her mother was a music professor. She dropped out of school as the conditions of her mental illness took over her life. This was the insidious disease that often kept us apart and ultimately took her life. The problem with Bi Polar disease is their victims don't always live very long. The chemical Maelstrom that is occurring in their brains put such a strain on their internal organs that the often implode from within. In the last two months, she told me she was dying. I just believed it was the alcohol that was talking. Alcoholism is common with this affliction.
She dabbled in modeling for she was very pretty. She never married. Most men were intimidated by her. I was able to maintain an eight year relationship with her that had its bumps. She had left for a couple of years and recently moved into her mothers condo in Hudson. I visited her often but knew something was not right. She would often leave messages on my cell phone with this song in the background "What would you do if you knew you were dying." The feeling I had Monday was real and my worst fears were realized today.
I think of all the things we will miss out on: Marriage, children, vacations, a home, baseball games, Sunday afternoon movies, the beach that she loved so much. All of this has been taken from me by a disease who's ass I would kick if it had material form. I once wrote about Julianne a year ago on this blog. I think it is apropo tonight for it seems almost prophetic of the recent events:
"Today was Gasparilla day. I know how much you liked that day. You were always very creative with costumes. Days like this were the ones you always looked forward to. Today was just another day for me. The memory of you is a reframe constant in my heart. Ever present and never ending with only brief periods of repose from the torment I feel. It is only now that I have only begun to reconcile the events leading to that insidious disease that took you from me.
I went to the pier last week. A place we both enjoyed very much. I left before sunset. That would have been unbearable. For, I could remember that weekend at the beach with you standing at the waters edge as I watched the sun set in your beautiful eyes. With the wind blowing thru your hair you seemed more like a vision. An image of someone I have only seen throughout eternity but only finding you in this existence. You are so beautiful.
I’ve started a blog now. It mostly deals with photography. You where the one that encouraged me to get back into photos. I am taking pictures of birds, ships, buildings and so forth but you are the only image I desire. I hope you don’t think posting this violates your privacy. Even though my blog is new, I think my readers are sophisticated enough to understand.
Mental Illness is a terrible disease. There. I said it. It attacks its victims in the only thing they can control-their minds. Then gradually leaves their victim immobilized form logical and reasonable thought. The doctors could never help. The medicine left you begging for relief. The worst part of this is I COULD NOT HELP YOU. There was nothing I could do. Since you left I am only one more victim in its path.
It’s the not knowing that is the worst. I remember the last time you called me from some unknown place. You didn’t even know where. The confusion was obvious in your voice. You asked me to marry you. I only wish how that could have happened. It was at that moment that I knew that everything was wrong. Everything I had believed in and held up as truth was now cast aside. How could it have been this way? You said you were being held against your will but could not explain how or why. The last anyone knew, it might have been North Carolina. But no one was sure.
I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking you are in danger. I remember a TV program that we both liked called 7 days. It was about time travel. And if the traveler ever got into trouble he was to use the code word “Conundrum.” Remember when I told you that if you ever lost your way and walked into anything-a truck stop, a convenience store a restaurant or roadside motel and you saw that word, or even heard it in a passing conversation, know that I was I trying to call you back home.
I have to grieve Julianne. I have to move on. Almost eighteen months is long enough.
I am listening to one of my favorite songs as I write this Many to Many by Genesis. There is a lyric in the song I think is important: “Oh pretty mama please help me find the key…Oh pretty Mama help me to go free.” I have to go now.
I LOVE YOU Julianne….I always will.
I can only hope you are in a better place now and your suffering is now over. Juli, I will see you in the next life. I often have a dream at night where my mother and father and you are standing on the porch of our two story home back in Newport News and everyone is young and has no disease and I pull up and you are smiling at me and the sense of happiness is indescribably wonderful for I now know we will be together forever.
Take care where you are at now for I know you are with God, and may God hold you in his loving arms until I get there.
"I lost the love of my life today. I found Julianne's lifeless body this morning in her condo in Hudson. I had not heard from her since last Thursday. She did not call over the weekend. I am very busy on the weekends and she knows this but always calls. Monday morning I had a bad feeling. This was unlike any other feeling I had ever had. At first, I thought she had found a man in a bar and was with him. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
When I got there today after work, the condo was the same as I left it. The curtain and blinds had not been moved and the light in the hallway was still on. I was very alarmed. I found the maintenance man of the association and he had a master key for the door. It would only work for the door handle and not the dead lock bolt. I knew she was in trouble and kicked the patio door in and from the sliding glass door you could see her body lying on the living room floor thru a crack in the curtain. Why did I not do this Monday. If she was already dead, would that of made a difference? I called 911. It looked like she had fallen and hit her head on the end table near the sofa. The detectives later concluded as much.
I was hoping to write that I had found her today and she was OK. I did not think I was going to have to write her obituary.
Her life was not always happy. She grew up in Tampa and went to King High School. She was extremely bright with a high IQ. She went on to Colombia in New York where her mother was a music professor. She dropped out of school as the conditions of her mental illness took over her life. This was the insidious disease that often kept us apart and ultimately took her life. The problem with Bi Polar disease is their victims don't always live very long. The chemical Maelstrom that is occurring in their brains put such a strain on their internal organs that the often implode from within. In the last two months, she told me she was dying. I just believed it was the alcohol that was talking. Alcoholism is common with this affliction.
She dabbled in modeling for she was very pretty. She never married. Most men were intimidated by her. I was able to maintain an eight year relationship with her that had its bumps. She had left for a couple of years and recently moved into her mothers condo in Hudson. I visited her often but knew something was not right. She would often leave messages on my cell phone with this song in the background "What would you do if you knew you were dying." The feeling I had Monday was real and my worst fears were realized today.
I think of all the things we will miss out on: Marriage, children, vacations, a home, baseball games, Sunday afternoon movies, the beach that she loved so much. All of this has been taken from me by a disease who's ass I would kick if it had material form. I once wrote about Julianne a year ago on this blog. I think it is apropo tonight for it seems almost prophetic of the recent events:
"Today was Gasparilla day. I know how much you liked that day. You were always very creative with costumes. Days like this were the ones you always looked forward to. Today was just another day for me. The memory of you is a reframe constant in my heart. Ever present and never ending with only brief periods of repose from the torment I feel. It is only now that I have only begun to reconcile the events leading to that insidious disease that took you from me.
I went to the pier last week. A place we both enjoyed very much. I left before sunset. That would have been unbearable. For, I could remember that weekend at the beach with you standing at the waters edge as I watched the sun set in your beautiful eyes. With the wind blowing thru your hair you seemed more like a vision. An image of someone I have only seen throughout eternity but only finding you in this existence. You are so beautiful.
Mental Illness is a terrible disease. There. I said it. It attacks its victims in the only thing they can control-their minds. Then gradually leaves their victim immobilized form logical and reasonable thought. The doctors could never help. The medicine left you begging for relief. The worst part of this is I COULD NOT HELP YOU. There was nothing I could do. Since you left I am only one more victim in its path.
It’s the not knowing that is the worst. I remember the last time you called me from some unknown place. You didn’t even know where. The confusion was obvious in your voice. You asked me to marry you. I only wish how that could have happened. It was at that moment that I knew that everything was wrong. Everything I had believed in and held up as truth was now cast aside. How could it have been this way? You said you were being held against your will but could not explain how or why. The last anyone knew, it might have been North Carolina. But no one was sure.
I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking you are in danger. I remember a TV program that we both liked called 7 days. It was about time travel. And if the traveler ever got into trouble he was to use the code word “Conundrum.” Remember when I told you that if you ever lost your way and walked into anything-a truck stop, a convenience store a restaurant or roadside motel and you saw that word, or even heard it in a passing conversation, know that I was I trying to call you back home.
I have to grieve Julianne. I have to move on. Almost eighteen months is long enough.
I am listening to one of my favorite songs as I write this Many to Many by Genesis. There is a lyric in the song I think is important: “Oh pretty mama please help me find the key…Oh pretty Mama help me to go free.” I have to go now.
I LOVE YOU Julianne….I always will.
I can only hope you are in a better place now and your suffering is now over. Juli, I will see you in the next life. I often have a dream at night where my mother and father and you are standing on the porch of our two story home back in Newport News and everyone is young and has no disease and I pull up and you are smiling at me and the sense of happiness is indescribably wonderful for I now know we will be together forever.
Take care where you are at now for I know you are with God, and may God hold you in his loving arms until I get there.
posted from Bloggeroid
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